Santa Banta Jokes ( Vol I)

Headache

"I have a bad headache. I’ll visit the doctor,” said Santa.Banta: "Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared.Why do not you try it?" replied Banta.Santa said: "Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I’ll be right over."

Loving wife

Santa had been out for a few days due to ill health. At work Banta asked him how he was feeling?"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied."Wonderful? How can the cold and fever be wonderful?" Banta asked Santa in stunned disbelief."Well, I learned that my wife, Jeeto, really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, she ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

Banta`s wish

Banta walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.Banta says, "I`ll have a burger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich."What`s yours?""I`ll have the same" says the ostrich.A short time later, the waitress returns with the order."That will be Rs 146.50 please,"Banta reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.The next day, Banta and his ostrich come again, and Banta says, "I`ll have a burger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I`ll have the same."Once again Banta reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again."The usual?" asks the waitress."No, this is sunday night, so I will have a chicken burger, baked potato and salad," says Banta."Same for me," says the ostrich.A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be Rs 362.75."Once again Banta pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can`t hold back her curiosity any longer."Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?""Well," says Banta, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just have to put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always he there.""That`s brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you`ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That`s right! Whether it`s a coke or a BMW, the exact money is always there," says Banta.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what`s with the ostrich?"Banta replies with a slight frown, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

Happy Birthday

Santa walks into a bar in Ludhiana and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches Santa go through a peculiar ritual."Happy Birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.One year later he enters the same bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks Santa why."Well" Santa says, "I have a friend in Canada and a friend in Sydney. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can`t be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 20 years since we were 18."The next year Santa comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of Santa and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"The bartender asks "So which one died?""No one.""But you only ordered two drinks!""Yeah, well, I`ve given up drinking."

Santa`s wish

Santa is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie.It says, “I will give you three wishes.”Santa thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.”With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer.Santa starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill.The genie asks about his next two wishes.Santa says, “I want two more of these.”

Drink

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! "This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

Vol2

Angel

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: u take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.
"The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Vol1

Elephant

A group of elephants were sitting on the street. A smart
female elephant passes by. What does the loafer elephant say?

Wow............3600-2400-3600.

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Dont step on the Ducks!

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah,was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet "God".

"Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here" God said to her."Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slidedown the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUTDON'T Step on the ducks" God said. "We love and cherish duckshere".

So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OOPS!She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous manpops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her lifewith him.

Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her thesame thing. "Do whatever you want, just DON'T step on theducks". So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on aduck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with augly, hideous man.

The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet God and he tells herthe same thing. "DON'T STEP on the ducks".

Finally, a few weeks lateer, Olivia and Sarah are with theirugly men and they run into Jenn. And Jenn is with the mostgorgeous guy that anyone has ever seen.

"How did you get so lucky and get such a hot guy"? Sarah askedher.
And the gorgeous guy looks up and says "I stepped on a Duck"!